~ Day 48 ~ Only Child

Connor has been at camp since Tuesday so I've gotten lots of one on one time with Bennett. He gets to be the only child all week. I know Connor's having the time of his life so this is totally guilt-free. Bennett keeps checking the activities schedule at camp to see what Connor's up to. He and I have played lots of board games, watched what he wanted on Netflix, and went out to dinner tonight together. It has been so fun to see his little spirit shine solo. He's entertaining, intelligent, goofy and super sentimental. His gentle soul is even sweeter without the competition for attention with his brother. He enjoys quiet time painting, coloring, reading and writing stories. He even wrote a letter to Connor and mailed it to camp. There is no doubt that these two brothers love and care about each other greatly as evidenced by them both crying saying goodbye before Connor left. They have been so gracious to each other about their own individual adventures and love to hear each others stories. I'm blown away by this. I can't wait for them to be reunited tomorrow. My boys are pretty awesome. P.S. Matt, I ate actual food tonight!
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 46 ~ Unexpected Hiccup

 The meds I'm on make my mouth super sore to the point it really started to affect what I ate and I didn't want to eat at all. Friday the pain got so bad on the left side I sought emergency dental work early Saturday. By morning, the left side of my face was swollen and I knew I had a pretty bad infection. Thanks to Matt for driving me all over town in search of a good dentist. Turns out a piece of molar broke off due to a cavity that was exacerbated by the "angry" mouth environment. The dentist said I needed a root canal and prescribed antibiotics and pain meds. The pain was so bad that I had no choice but to take them. The dental work will happen over the next couple weeks.

Well, all this put a little hiccup in my treatment and it has made me feel sicker than I have so far (probably not but I try to forget the bad days). I almost got sick wishing my son off to Science Camp this morning. Thankfully, I made it back to the car just in time to not embarrass him. I went to work and spent the little time I was there shaking, feeling light headed and running to the bathroom to be sick. I actually had to go home within a couple hours. Today was probably the first day where I just couldn't push myself through it. I felt defeated, out of control and scared that this will be my new normal. But I'll wake up tomorrow and try it all again.

I am continually amazed and blessed by my sweet friends (old and new) who continue to shower me with their love and support. The visits, food, messages and offers of help are so appreciated. There are aspects of my life where I am not supported and what feels like resented for being sick. That breaks my heart in ways that will never be understood by these people. I would never wish cancer on them and I pray that they are treated better than they are treating me if they ever are. My energy is going to be spent on those that love me and will be here with me through thick and thin.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 41 ~ Non-celebration

While the news yesterday was fantastic, it didn't change how I felt when I went to bed last night or woke up this morning. I am as happy as you all are for the tumors shrinking but I am left to feel the torture of this treatment. It's hard to be cheery when you feel so awful. I know it's the darkness and loneliness talking. But I go to sleep every night alone, alone with my thoughts and fears. Yes, I have God and your prayers but they're not hugs. They don't wipe the tears away, they don't hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. It's in the dark every night that the fear creeps in. I feel like it manifests into wicked muscle spasms as if it is truly the monster inside trying to get out. It's in these moments I long for that unconditional love and support that I'm missing so much. This disease breeds loneliness because no one can truly understand what you are going through. I try to explain it and there just aren't words to adequately express how it encompasses you. This is one of those days that I want to scream, kick, punch and let it all out. The storm is raging outside and I want to join it. I hope the rain washes my fears and my loneliness away and the clear skies will bring me a sense of peace. It's a dark day but I know I'll enjoy the sun soon.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 40 ~ HALLELUJAH!!!

Just got the call from my doc regarding my CT results.  My tumors are SHRINKING!!!!! Especially the one that is in the worst spot to have one.  And the ones in my lungs (which I didn't know I had!!) are GONE!!!  All of this hell I'm going through is working.  It wasn't all great news but who cares?!?  I kind of tuned him out after the words TUMORS SHRINKING!!!  Some stayed the same size (those may need to be biopsied) and it's a possibility that I can plateau on the meds and they lose their effectiveness.  I have a long road ahead but knowing I'm getting somewhere breathes new life into my sails.  Oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my goodness! :)
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 39 ~ Big Brother

About 6 weeks ago, we started the process of getting Connor paired with a Big Brother from the Big Brother/Big Sister Program. Within two short weeks, he met his "Big", Jay. They were instant buddies. They totally chatted it up at their first meeting and left with a plan to see each other a few days later. They have spent every Sunday afternoon together since. They've played disc golf, basketball, racquetball, miniature golf, go-karting and grabbed bites to eat. What a perfect match for Connor! He gets to do all those athletic things he loves to do with a guy and not just mom. He's looking forward to going hiking and fishing and other cool dude stuff.

All those activities are great but the real treat is seeing Connor's self-worth increasing. The kid has never had a problem with confidence but more of an internal feeling that he was UNchosen and abandoned by his dad. His Big chose him and is committed to spending one-on-one time with him, sharing mutual interests and exploring new adventures. The one thing Connor asked for was a man he could look up to, learn from and respect. Neither of us could have asked for a better role model for Connor. Jay is a veteran and continues to serve our country. For the kid who goes up to every person he sees in uniform, shakes their hand and says thank you (and buys them dinner!), Jay is his idol. He is laid-back and kind, committed and humble. Connor looks forward to seeing him every week. I look forward to watching their relationship grow and them forging a special bond. What a blessing along this journey!
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 38 ~ Cry Fest

I went to bed in tears last night. Woke up in tears this morning. And cried all damn day. Wouldn't have been so bad if the day wasn't spent at work. I looked like death warmed over and re-fried. I hurt so bad and was completely worn out by 9am. Emotionally I'm finding it harder and harder to keep positive. I have to will myself through each minute and hour of the day more so than ever before. I finally had to have the talk with HR today that this treatment is kicking my butt and I don't know what the coming weeks are going to be like. Hard to be ambiguous but I really have no way of predicting anything. Thankfully, they are super understanding and will be flexible so on that front I have one less worry.

I got smart a few weeks ago and bought the boys some new toys and games. I've been bringing them out sporadically and surprising them. It has proven to be a nice distraction from the day to day ups and downs. I think Bennett spent about 6 hours yesterday coloring with his Crayola Color Wonder stuff. I'll keep these drawings forever. Connor has been fortunate to get to spend 4 hours every Sunday for the last few weeks with his Big Brother Jay. That relationship is growing quiet beautifully.

There's no guarantee tomorrow will be better but at least I know each day prepares me a little more to get through the next.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 37 ~ Heavy Metal

Never been a fan and not starting now. That's all I can taste today and my mouth is killing me. I made the mistake of chewing a piece of gum and now I feel like I have a toothache in every tooth on the left side of my mouth. Every fiber of my body hurts and I'm exhausted beyond belief. But I was able to get a little sun today and pulled weeds for about 30 minutes (working in the yard is my happy place). I think taking the meds about 4pm will allow me to get through my work day and crash when I get home. I figured if I take them too close to bedtime the pain will keep me up. I'll figure all this out somehow.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 36 ~ First day of new treatment

I took my meds at 8 this morning and felt good for about 2 hours. I made breakfast for the boys and sat down on the sofa to watch cartoons with them. Not long after, a wave of fatigue swept over me like I had never felt before. I couldn't keep my eyes open. I ended up falling asleep on the couch for 2 1/2 hours. When I woke up every tooth in my mouth hurt and my legs were spasming. Everything tastes weird or has no taste at all and thankfully I'm only mildly nauseous. Not quite sure if this is better or worse that the last treatment but I'm sure only time will tell. I think I'll try taking them in the early evening tomorrow and see if I can just ride out the worst fatigue closer to bedtime. The boys are currently making a comfy place for us in the living room with every blanket and pillow in the house for us all to get cozy and watch a movie. I'm so happy and grateful they are cuddle bugs because we all enjoy this time together.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Days 28 - 35 ~ Vacation

No, I didn't have days off from work. There was no Margarita sipping on an exotic beach. But I did have an eight day rest from the medications. That alone was worth it's weight in tequila. I decided that it would also be a good time to take a break from the daily posts and the blog. I suppose I needed a break from reality. Feeling free of the grip that this monster has on me has been the mental rejuvenation I need to fight this next round of the battle.

When you have cancer, almost every decision is based on this fact. I worry about the meds, what food to eat, resting enough, not over-exerting myself, avoiding sick people as much as possible, watching my stress, tests, procedures, appointments and the effect on the boys (something I haven't been able to write about just yet). I took this week to focus on normalcy. We did a little shopping for Connor's Outdoor School trip coming up, ate out a couple times and visited with friends. I even found a couple vintage pieces to add to my ever expanding collection of things to redo when I'm back to normal. Matt and I enjoyed Valentine's Day, sleeping in Saturday morning and lounging all day watching movies. It has been a great week off in that regard.

Tomorrow begins the new treatment regimen. I'm apprehensive at best. The unknown is the scariest part of all this as I have no idea what my tomorrows look like anymore. I do know this one will be tougher than the last but I am strong enough to handle anything. When strength is the only option, you find out what you're made of.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 27 ~ Off to see the Wizard

Today I had an appointment with my nephrologist (the Wizard).  Yeah, I really call him that.  Everyone has a nickname in my world.  I was apprehensive going into today because I knew it wasn't going to be the news I wanted.  That instinct proved to be right.  The treatment that I was doing was Phase I of a clinical trial I was to enter into Phase II in mid-March.  My team feels that the damage sustained by my liver in the almost 4 weeks I have been on it has proven too risky to continue.  Of all the pharmaceutical approaches possible, only one remains suitable for me.  The risks of the others exceed what I am willing to accept.  I am out of the clinical trial altogether now.  That also means I have to pay for the treatment now. :(  The great news is that I have a 9 day reprieve from all medications before I start the new stuff (just when I was getting used to the vomiting, bathroom issues, and no appetite).  It is hard to be back at square one but I know that this is for the best.  I'm also somewhat relieved I won't be a guinea pig for science although it would have been pretty cool to be a part of creating a new new drug therapy.  Oh well, next time!
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 26 ~ Devil is in the Details

I have been asked repeatedly why I haven't shared the specifics of my treatment like which medications I'm taking, who is my doctor, surgical options, transplant, second opinions and natural approaches taken.  The simple answer is:  I don't want to talk about it.  If I were to share the details it inevitably leads to someone commenting: My Aunt Sally on my dad's side had cancer and they tried this, that and the other thing and it worked great (or she died.  I get that a lot too).  Each person is different.  Each cancer is different.  Type, size, location, stage, and other medical issues are all factors in determining a course of action.  Your medical history and current state of health also factor greatly.  The decisions about my treatment are made after careful analysis by my entire medical team and me.  I have been fortunate that my doctors also consider quality of life highly important as well as quantity.  While I appreciate all your comments, public and private, I don't have any intentions of discussing the details of my treatment.  I wholeheartedly believe that everyone's experiences are different and I don't want to endorse or detract from any treatment that may work for some people.  So, no arm-chair quarterbacking unless you have M.D. behind your name.  That being said, chances are if you're sitting on my sofa with me having some tea, you'll probably here all the gory details because I know you can handle them and I trust you.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 25 ~ "Served" with a smile

I ran into a friend in the store who heard that I had cancer. After exchanging the normal brief pleasantries and updates on kids and jobs, she asked when I started treatment. Normal question. I answered, just over 3 weeks ago. What followed completely astonished me: "Well, the cancer must not be too bad because you haven't lost your hair yet, you're still working and you're able to go shopping. So why do you have people bringing you meals?" 
I took a deep breath and exhaled with the following in a cadence that rivals the best poetry slam:
Now let's just break down your comments one by one.
1. The cancer must not be too bad - Cancer is bad. Yes, there are different stages of cancer and different treatments, but it's ALL bad. I don't wear my stage like a rank on my sleeve as if this hierarchy garners more respect as I earn my stripes. The idea that you could even put those words together, cancer and not too bad, makes me happy you are not in my support circle.
2. You haven't lost your hair yet - Yes, thanks for noticing. Did you happen to see that it's losing pigment and I'm afraid to dye it because it surely would fall out then. I am not on chemotherapy, yeah not the cure for all cancer, but the drugs still can make it fall out. I haven't decided what to do with my hair yet because I have bigger things to worry about like my will, my kids needing their mother, etc. But thanks for noticing.
3. You're still working - Damn straight I'm still working. Do you know how expensive cancer is? I'd love to stay home and take care of myself but I am my only source of income and health insurance and those $800 in meds every month don't pay for themselves. How's your part-time job so you can go to Maui every year treating you?
4. You're shopping - If you call Target at 9pm to avoid the crowds that can make me sick to buy TP, toilet bowl cleaner and disinfectants shopping then yes, I'm shopping. I spend a good portion of my day, while not at work, in the bathroom getting sick or eliminating the only food I could tolerate that day so I try to keep that area as nice as possible. I see you get to shop for that fine boxed wine in your cart. Have fun with that!
5. Why do I have people bringing me meals?: (Huge inhale) You see, I spend my energy fighting my cancer that is that bad, not worrying about my hair but whether or not I'll get to see my kids grow up, I go to work because I have to, and for goodness sake, life's responsibilities don't take a break for cancer. My friends aren't just bringing me a meal, they are providing love, friendship and above all, support.........(exhale...SMILE).........I hope you know that I will be the first person on your doorstep if you ever hear that diagnosis. I will bring you a meal or five. I'll tell you that no matter what happens with your body, you're still beautiful. I'll marvel in all that you manage to get done in a day with or without cancer. And I'll shop for your TP cuz you're gonna need it! Enjoy that boxed wine.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 24 ~ Perspective

“We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.” ― Abraham Lincoln......I can't tell you why I feel the latter about having cancer. About life, really, in general. I have had enough bad things happen in my life that any one of them could have destroyed my spirit. I simply don't believe I was put on this Earth to suffer. I've failed, I try again. I've been abandoned, yet I trust again. I've been hurt in love but I still love with my full heart. I can't see what's around the next corner but I have faith to continue to walk the path. We can waist so much time waiting until our perspective on a situation is just perfect and miss the beauty right in front of us, or we can open our heart to love and the rose on the thorn bush. Don't wait until you are faced with life or death to finally change your perspective on what really matters. Rejoice in the blessings and love you are surrounded by.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 23 ~ Makeover

So when I beat this cancer crap I want a makeover! This disease is taking a toll on my body, inside and out. The disease and meds mess with your hair, your skin, your nails, and your weight. It's not a vanity thing as much as it is a constant reminder that you're not well. It also takes a little of my defense mechanism away. If I look ok then I can fool the world (and myself) that I am ok. When I'm healthy again I just want the outside to match what I feel on the inside. I want something different because I have been forever changed by this disease.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 22 ~ Help

I could not have gotten through today without a huge amount of help. Matt and Raiden were here at 7:30 to take the boys to Connor's basketball game. Matt called me on Tango and videoed the whole game so I got to see it live!!! Even saw Connor make his basket. Then this afternoon, Lisa and her family picked the boys up and took them to see the Lego movie. What a thoughtful thing to do. I got to actually take a nap. And huge thank you to everyone who has brought food over, visited and lifted my spirits. Your kindness and generosity is overwhelming and extremely appreciated. i am so blessed to have friends like you. xoxoxox
~ still climbing mountains ~ 

~ Day 21 ~ Quarantine

Ok, maybe not that bad but I feel like it. I spoke with my doc today who said my white blood cell count is super low, I'm anemic and pretty dehydrated. I'm having a hard time eating and my caloric intake has been pretty low. This means I have to stay away from people for the next couple days so I can attempt to get my iron level up, rehydrate and not get sicker. But tomorrow is Connor's basketball playoffs and I have to miss them. Connor actually demanded I stay home once I told him what the doctor said. Thankfully, Matt is stepping in and can take him. So at 9:00 tomorrow morning think of him at OJHS and wish his Blue Devils luck. I'll be at home in my bubble.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 20 ~ I'm scared

I found out that one or more of the meds is damaging my liver. If this continues I may have to switch meds which means I'll be dropped from the clinical trial. This course of treatment had the most promise of all the approaches we discussed to decrease the growth of the tumors and still let me lead a normal life in the process. Now I feel like I'm starting over and I don't like the options. I know there will be setbacks but it's hard to be back to square one and face the fear of what's unknown around the next corner. Each day is getting harder to get through as I get more physically and emotionally exhausted. Prayers are needed for strength right now, friends.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 19 ~ Hiatus

~ Day 18 ~ Strange side effects

The last two days posts weren't very much fun, I know. I had to get everyone up to speed on how this all started. It's kinda like having to explain the first half of a movie to someone who showed up late, ten times over. Not that I mind but I need to save my energy for the very fun side effects of my new drug friends. They all bring a special somethin' to the show. So in no particular order of their onset or annoyance factor, here's the list of ones I wasn't expecting: Swollen face, swollen ankles and feet (kankle-lite), blisters on the bottom of feet, rash on my hands, metal taste in my mouth, tooth ache, losing my hair, gray-hair growing in way quicker, cracked old-lady looking skin, the strangest color of pee I've ever seen, how do I put this one?.....an eagerness to see Matt, and my personal fave......pimples. Yeah, who knew the drugs would make me look 16 again except all tired and haggard? Ah, the joys of cancer!
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 17 ~ Unwanted Diagnosis

Nothing prepares you to hear those words.....YOU HAVE CANCER. I've heard bad news before but somehow was always prepared for the news. Usually it was because it was more of the same. However, that day in August when they discovered the first mass was like no other. Cancer is scary, it's the monster everyone fears. But as soon as that news came it was gone....poof! I had surgery to remove it 3 days later. No time to process, no time for anything to sink in. I, in my eyes, was not a cancer survivor. I was merely someone who had cancer all of three days, almost feeling guilty that I had cancer at all because it was so easy. I went about my merry way. It wasn't until my follow-up scan in December that the world as I knew it had changed forever. YOUR CANCER IS BACK. This time it wouldn't be a 3 day turnaround, no picnic, no walk in the park. Now I am in the fight for my life. No one prepares you for the conversations that follow with your doctor. Mortality rate, targeted therapies, clinical trials, life expectancy, side effects, transplant, stages, lifestyle changes, recurrent cancer, and my favorite, quality vs. quantity of life. I am 40 years old with two beautiful sons. My only concern is being here for them.....for a long time. This unwanted diagnosis will just be a part of our journey, not the end.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 16 ~ Wanted Diagnosis

Many years ago, 18 perhaps, I started to get sick. Nothing too serious at first but enough to start making my college studies hard and life less energetic. I figured the tiredness was from working too much, studying too much and partying too much. The pain must have come from old sports injuries. These symptoms went on for a few years until I got a bad cold. The cold didn't go away and I just couldn't seem to get better. This began 6 months of testing to finally determine I had Lupus. I had never been so happy to hear those words. Yes, happy. I wasn't crazy or lazy or a hypochondriac. There was validation for why the normally vivacious and spunky Sharon was a distant memory. There was something attacking my immune system and I had no control over it. Armed with a diagnosis, I began my research into this disease, reading everything I could get my hands on. I learned quickly that Lupus would become the center of my world that I would dance around for the rest of my life. Lupus presents in many different ways and affects everyone differently. For me, it has been systemic organ involvement, attacking almost every organ, gland, joint and muscle as if they were foreign to my body. Essentially, my body is fighting itself. It started with my thyroid, then the gallbladder, the lungs, the heart and ultimately my kidneys in the form of Lupus Nephritis. The LN basically began attacking my kidneys leaving scar tissue in its wake rendering them more unable to do their job. Over the years, I've had several different treatments including prednisone (thanks 60 lb. weight gain), a lovely chemo cocktail and a radical change in my diet. Over the last year or so my kidneys were getting worse and the doctors ordered yet another ultrasound of the bad boys. And so I went for the normal looksie and inevitable "yep, your kidneys suck" speech. But had it not been for already bad kidneys and the the wanted diagnosis of Lupus, they wouldn't have found the first mass on my right kidney..........so then came the Unwanted Diagnosis.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 15 ~ Strength

Yesterday the doctor gave me a reprieve on a couple of the meds that make me the sickest so that I could drive up to Salinas for the memorial. However, it came with the promise that I'd pay for it twice as bad today. He did not lie. I had horrible shakes yesterday and was super weak. The get up-sit down pace of the Lutheran church wasn't playing nicely with this combo but clearly I made it through. This morning brought another dosage increase that hit my body like a wave of tar. It rendered me unable to move, the leg pain was so terrible it made me vomit on it's own. I, for more than any sane person should, contemplated what method best to cut them off. I came to the conclusion I'd use whatever was handy. I knew that this needed to pass because I had some dear friends coming over in the afternoon. I mustered my strength to take a shower and approximately 2 hours later, was dressed. I was quite proud of myself but.......exhausted. This is true for everyday since the beginning of treatment. But what is amazing is that my strength isn't coming from within. It's coming from my beautiful friends who bring their energy and their positivity to me every day. Their love is better than any medicine a chemist can dream of. They bring me strength with their stories that make me laugh, make things normal again and give me hope for the future. I have said it to everyone that thank you doesn't even begin to express my gratitude. I hope you all know that you are my strength, my hope, my light.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 14 ~ A day of remembrance

Today was my former father-in-laws memorial service so needless to say, it was a hard day for all of us. His service was at the church he last served as pastor and where he and my mother-in-law still attended up until a few months ago. We had seen him preach there numerous times so it was hard to imagine him not being up there giving the message or blessing you at communion. This man accepted me into him family when I was pregnant and unmarried to his son. He welcomed me with open arms without judgement. But more extraordinary, he welcomed Connor as a grandson immediately. It didn't matter that he wasn't blood, there was no difference to him. Every time we spoke he said I'm praying for you and looking back, I realize just how special those words were coming from him. Not just as a pastor but like a dad. He was the closest thing I had to a father and the only grandfather my boys had. I am sad that since the divorce I have only gotten to see them a handful of times and didn't get the chance to tell him what he meant to me but am grateful he knows now what was in my heart.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 13 ~ Matt Grady

 My partner in crime. My confidant. My cheerleader. My best friend. There isn't a label that encompasses all that he is to me. This man has no obligation to be by my side, to see me through this fight. Nonetheless, he has been faithfully holding my hand, lifting me up and providing unwavering support. I don't think he understands all that he does for me. He brings me back to center when I feel like I can't handle any more. He let's me be me whether I'm laughing, crying, frustrated or downright silly. He brings out the best in me and reminds me how special and deserving I am. When he hugs me he is always the last to let go and I hope he never lets go. LT3
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 12 ~ Perfect Timing

 Last week Connor and I had an interview with The Big Brother/Big Sister Program for him to get a Big Brother. We got the call today that they already found a match for Connor and he gets to meet his Big Brother next week!!! How stinkin exciting!!! This could not have come at a better time. With his grandpa passing away and his strained relationship with his former step-dad, he is in desperate need of a good male role model. Not to discount Matt's influence at all. Connor's at an emotional stage where he needs someone just for him, someone that chose him first and isn't an extension of me. It will be so good for Connor to get time away from me and this disease and all that comes with it. He has been so strong and helpful that's it's about time he gets something so wonderful in return. What a blessing!
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 11 ~ Best excuses

When you're faced with your own mortality you have a few options about how to go on with this new found awareness. You can shrink away and feel helpless or it can empower you. For me it's made me a little braver to speak my mind. I figure what's the worst that's gonna happen? I already have cancer. So this weekend I had had enough of a particular parents bad attitude and minced no words in telling him so. It is worth noting this was 18 inches from his face and my knees were shaking either from adrenaline or the fact I threw up 15 minutes earlier. Some things just need to said and I'm blaming it on cancer. --------But you know what another awesome excuse is? Because of this silly illness, I get to see friends I don't always get to see. I've had a virtual parade of friends stop by. (Yes, mostly with food which I L-O-V-E). It is amazing to see their beautiful faces, hear their voices and feel the warmth of their hugs. It occurred to me that I have really funny and fun friends.....each have made me laugh and most have made me cry and surely ALL have made me feel loved and so not alone. You all are my angels on Earth and if I have to use cancer as an excuse to see you then it's well worth it!!!!
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 10 ~ Shitty Day!

Yeah, I said it. No sugar coating today. I'm not perfect and always strong. This is hard. I am physically drained and the medications are taking their toll. My day started at 5am with the first round of meds, 6:30 vomiting, out the door by 7:20 to take the boys to school, work by 8:00, 8:05 realize I forgot the anti-nausea med at home, try to work but am so exhausted mentally and physically I can't concentrate and get little done, take a late lunch at 2:00 to get boys from school, 2:10 they are both sobbing about their grandfather who died on Friday. It brought their feelings to a head about possibly losing me and obviously I did not have the heart to leave them and go back to work so we ended up crying together for the rest of the afternoon. We are spent, we're ALL spent. I think we needed time to get it all out. We stripped away all the layers and brave fronts we are putting up and felt the pain. The emotional toll is overwhelming. At this stage in my posts I usually start trying to find the positive spin on everything but today, just this one day, I'm just not going to. Today was shitty!
By the way, feel free to like this post (or any other daily post). It lets me know you're out there and taking the time to go on this journey with me. It makes me feel less alone.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 9 ~ Still Climbing Mountains

A few friends have asked why I sign every post with ~ still climbing mountains ~. They surmised it must refer to the up-hill battle, the enormity of this fight against cancer or that it's yet another obstacle in my path.

Still climbing mountains is about faith, hope, love and mostly perseverance. I found out 2 weeks before Christmas my cancer had returned but on New Year's Day I was hiking Bishop's Peak. I didn't do it fast but I did it. I got my boys up and down that mountain all by myself. I showed them that no matter how bad things get, if we focus, push ourselves, have faith and not give up we can still climb mountains. Each one of us wanted to give up at different times on the path up the mountain but we encouraged each other to push on. Strangers encouraged us, too. We made it to the top together. We looked out at the beautiful vistas, encircled in the beauty of our world and relished in the kinship of those that made it to the top as well. The amazing part was on the way down watching my boys encouraging the climbers ascending the mountain, a true sign of paying it forward. They were proud of themselves and proud of me. We had conquered something together, something that looked intimidating and felt impossible at times. But with faith, hope, love perseverance and a little blood, we made it through. So that's why I'm......
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 8 ~ Good vs. Evil

Every Saturday morning for the next few weeks I get to up my dose a little on one of the meds. So like every morning of this new life since starting treatment I got up at 5am to start taking my pills. I quickly figured out that if I get up early, take them and go back to bed for a little bit I am at least laying down for the wave of nausea, dizziness and heart palpitations that are inevitable. It also gives me time to think. Lately my thoughts have been drawn to the irony of putting something in my body more toxic and nasty to kill the cancer that is already toxic and nasty. Which is the good and which is evil? I was swimming along nicely 9 days ago pretty much symptom free but now, taking the meds to kill the cancer, I feel sicker than I ever have. Funny how things work.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 7 ~ Praying

 Praying for my ex-father-in-law who was hospitalized last Tuesday. He is very ill and had surgery today to replace a valve in his heart. He made it through surgery and is resting but has a long road ahead of him. Praying for him and my mother-in-law whom I love dearly and miss being a part of my life tremendously. They were my family and it's hard not being there to support them. Grateful that my ex is keeping me updated though. And I'm praying that my boys don't lose their grandfather. Life is hard enough for them right now.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 6 ~ Friends

So thankful for your love, support and encouragement. Without you, I would have nothing. Not one single family member of mine has called, texted or stopped by. Feeling appreciative and sad all at the same time. BUT I am choosing to look past what coulda, shoulda, woulda been and am focusing on all the POSITIVE love surrounding me. Thank you for being my family.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 5 ~ Not a pain killer kinda girl

It takes a lot, and I mean a lot, for me to take a pill for pain. Not because I'm some tough girl but because I think you have to save them for that knuckle whitening type pain or you run the risk of decreasing their effectiveness. Today, however, I'm on the verge of wanting to down a whole bottle. The pain in my legs is so bad I'm holding back tears sitting at my desk. I want to curl up in a ball. But alas, I'll get through today simply on my strength and stubbornness alone. Frankly more of the latter than the former. But on a positive note, can't wait to go home tonight to the delectable delights of Shreei. I can't begin to tell you how much not having to cook dinner for my kiddos takes tremendous stress off me. Knowing that my kids are still eating well makes my heart happy.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 4 ~ Wish me luck!

Heading to work today. Yes, work. Bills still need to get paid and this girl can't afford to use up all my PTO in one shot and I've got at least 3 months of treatment to go. I've been able to keep toast down so my energy level is up a bit. If the bone pain would just go away and they don't run the A/C all day I should do ok. 
 ~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 3 ~ Blessings Abound!

 I have the best friends in the world. All the messages of support and all the comments on my daily posts have been bright lights on this journey. An extra special thank you to Shreei Leo Santana for bringing over a literal feast for the boys and me. There is easily 5 days of food in that box and if I'm not mistaken, freshly baked bread to boot!!!! You are a true angel and I don't think I gave you enough hugs! 
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 2 ~ Giving today to Him

Yesterday morning I looked at my handful of pills and I prayed over them to help cure me of this stupid illness. I had faith that they would start the healing. Today I look at the same pills with trepidation but still the same faith. Faith has to get me through because what sane person would voluntarily swallow these things knowing that very shortly you're going to feel completely awful? My faith tells me to follow the path, to essentially swallow the pill. While it may be littered with toil and strife, the end is filled with joy and triumph. I have Faith.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 1 ~ Today is Rough

Day 1 has been tough, really tough. Me and the medications aren't exactly friends yet. They have made me extremely weak, nauseous, huge headache and I'm freezing. Also I have no appetite and food tastes weird but the worst has been a deep bone pain, the kind you want to crawl out of your body from. Grateful I made it Connor's basketball game and then was able to sleep through a bad spell. So thankful to have Matt by my side today. Today is rough.
~ still climbing mountains ~