While the news yesterday was fantastic, it didn't
change how I felt when I went to bed last night or woke up this
morning. I am as happy as you all are for the tumors shrinking but I am
left to feel the torture of this treatment. It's hard to be cheery
when you feel so awful. I know it's the darkness and loneliness
talking. But I go to sleep every night alone, alone with
my thoughts and fears. Yes, I have God and your prayers but they're
not hugs. They don't wipe the tears away, they don't hold me and tell
me everything is going to be ok. It's in the dark every night that the
fear creeps in. I feel like it manifests into wicked muscle spasms as
if it is truly the monster inside trying to get out. It's in these
moments I long for that unconditional love and support that I'm missing
so much. This disease breeds loneliness because no one can truly
understand what you are going through. I try to explain it and there
just aren't words to adequately express how it encompasses you. This is
one of those days that I want to scream, kick, punch and let it all out.
The storm is raging outside and I want to join it. I hope the rain
washes my fears and my loneliness away and the clear skies will bring me
a sense of peace. It's a dark day but I know I'll enjoy the sun soon.
~ still climbing mountains ~
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