~ Day 48 ~ Only Child

Connor has been at camp since Tuesday so I've gotten lots of one on one time with Bennett. He gets to be the only child all week. I know Connor's having the time of his life so this is totally guilt-free. Bennett keeps checking the activities schedule at camp to see what Connor's up to. He and I have played lots of board games, watched what he wanted on Netflix, and went out to dinner tonight together. It has been so fun to see his little spirit shine solo. He's entertaining, intelligent, goofy and super sentimental. His gentle soul is even sweeter without the competition for attention with his brother. He enjoys quiet time painting, coloring, reading and writing stories. He even wrote a letter to Connor and mailed it to camp. There is no doubt that these two brothers love and care about each other greatly as evidenced by them both crying saying goodbye before Connor left. They have been so gracious to each other about their own individual adventures and love to hear each others stories. I'm blown away by this. I can't wait for them to be reunited tomorrow. My boys are pretty awesome. P.S. Matt, I ate actual food tonight!
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 46 ~ Unexpected Hiccup

 The meds I'm on make my mouth super sore to the point it really started to affect what I ate and I didn't want to eat at all. Friday the pain got so bad on the left side I sought emergency dental work early Saturday. By morning, the left side of my face was swollen and I knew I had a pretty bad infection. Thanks to Matt for driving me all over town in search of a good dentist. Turns out a piece of molar broke off due to a cavity that was exacerbated by the "angry" mouth environment. The dentist said I needed a root canal and prescribed antibiotics and pain meds. The pain was so bad that I had no choice but to take them. The dental work will happen over the next couple weeks.

Well, all this put a little hiccup in my treatment and it has made me feel sicker than I have so far (probably not but I try to forget the bad days). I almost got sick wishing my son off to Science Camp this morning. Thankfully, I made it back to the car just in time to not embarrass him. I went to work and spent the little time I was there shaking, feeling light headed and running to the bathroom to be sick. I actually had to go home within a couple hours. Today was probably the first day where I just couldn't push myself through it. I felt defeated, out of control and scared that this will be my new normal. But I'll wake up tomorrow and try it all again.

I am continually amazed and blessed by my sweet friends (old and new) who continue to shower me with their love and support. The visits, food, messages and offers of help are so appreciated. There are aspects of my life where I am not supported and what feels like resented for being sick. That breaks my heart in ways that will never be understood by these people. I would never wish cancer on them and I pray that they are treated better than they are treating me if they ever are. My energy is going to be spent on those that love me and will be here with me through thick and thin.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 41 ~ Non-celebration

While the news yesterday was fantastic, it didn't change how I felt when I went to bed last night or woke up this morning. I am as happy as you all are for the tumors shrinking but I am left to feel the torture of this treatment. It's hard to be cheery when you feel so awful. I know it's the darkness and loneliness talking. But I go to sleep every night alone, alone with my thoughts and fears. Yes, I have God and your prayers but they're not hugs. They don't wipe the tears away, they don't hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. It's in the dark every night that the fear creeps in. I feel like it manifests into wicked muscle spasms as if it is truly the monster inside trying to get out. It's in these moments I long for that unconditional love and support that I'm missing so much. This disease breeds loneliness because no one can truly understand what you are going through. I try to explain it and there just aren't words to adequately express how it encompasses you. This is one of those days that I want to scream, kick, punch and let it all out. The storm is raging outside and I want to join it. I hope the rain washes my fears and my loneliness away and the clear skies will bring me a sense of peace. It's a dark day but I know I'll enjoy the sun soon.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 40 ~ HALLELUJAH!!!

Just got the call from my doc regarding my CT results.  My tumors are SHRINKING!!!!! Especially the one that is in the worst spot to have one.  And the ones in my lungs (which I didn't know I had!!) are GONE!!!  All of this hell I'm going through is working.  It wasn't all great news but who cares?!?  I kind of tuned him out after the words TUMORS SHRINKING!!!  Some stayed the same size (those may need to be biopsied) and it's a possibility that I can plateau on the meds and they lose their effectiveness.  I have a long road ahead but knowing I'm getting somewhere breathes new life into my sails.  Oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my goodness! :)
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 39 ~ Big Brother

About 6 weeks ago, we started the process of getting Connor paired with a Big Brother from the Big Brother/Big Sister Program. Within two short weeks, he met his "Big", Jay. They were instant buddies. They totally chatted it up at their first meeting and left with a plan to see each other a few days later. They have spent every Sunday afternoon together since. They've played disc golf, basketball, racquetball, miniature golf, go-karting and grabbed bites to eat. What a perfect match for Connor! He gets to do all those athletic things he loves to do with a guy and not just mom. He's looking forward to going hiking and fishing and other cool dude stuff.

All those activities are great but the real treat is seeing Connor's self-worth increasing. The kid has never had a problem with confidence but more of an internal feeling that he was UNchosen and abandoned by his dad. His Big chose him and is committed to spending one-on-one time with him, sharing mutual interests and exploring new adventures. The one thing Connor asked for was a man he could look up to, learn from and respect. Neither of us could have asked for a better role model for Connor. Jay is a veteran and continues to serve our country. For the kid who goes up to every person he sees in uniform, shakes their hand and says thank you (and buys them dinner!), Jay is his idol. He is laid-back and kind, committed and humble. Connor looks forward to seeing him every week. I look forward to watching their relationship grow and them forging a special bond. What a blessing along this journey!
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 38 ~ Cry Fest

I went to bed in tears last night. Woke up in tears this morning. And cried all damn day. Wouldn't have been so bad if the day wasn't spent at work. I looked like death warmed over and re-fried. I hurt so bad and was completely worn out by 9am. Emotionally I'm finding it harder and harder to keep positive. I have to will myself through each minute and hour of the day more so than ever before. I finally had to have the talk with HR today that this treatment is kicking my butt and I don't know what the coming weeks are going to be like. Hard to be ambiguous but I really have no way of predicting anything. Thankfully, they are super understanding and will be flexible so on that front I have one less worry.

I got smart a few weeks ago and bought the boys some new toys and games. I've been bringing them out sporadically and surprising them. It has proven to be a nice distraction from the day to day ups and downs. I think Bennett spent about 6 hours yesterday coloring with his Crayola Color Wonder stuff. I'll keep these drawings forever. Connor has been fortunate to get to spend 4 hours every Sunday for the last few weeks with his Big Brother Jay. That relationship is growing quiet beautifully.

There's no guarantee tomorrow will be better but at least I know each day prepares me a little more to get through the next.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 37 ~ Heavy Metal

Never been a fan and not starting now. That's all I can taste today and my mouth is killing me. I made the mistake of chewing a piece of gum and now I feel like I have a toothache in every tooth on the left side of my mouth. Every fiber of my body hurts and I'm exhausted beyond belief. But I was able to get a little sun today and pulled weeds for about 30 minutes (working in the yard is my happy place). I think taking the meds about 4pm will allow me to get through my work day and crash when I get home. I figured if I take them too close to bedtime the pain will keep me up. I'll figure all this out somehow.
~ still climbing mountains ~