~ Day 14 ~ A day of remembrance

Today was my former father-in-laws memorial service so needless to say, it was a hard day for all of us. His service was at the church he last served as pastor and where he and my mother-in-law still attended up until a few months ago. We had seen him preach there numerous times so it was hard to imagine him not being up there giving the message or blessing you at communion. This man accepted me into him family when I was pregnant and unmarried to his son. He welcomed me with open arms without judgement. But more extraordinary, he welcomed Connor as a grandson immediately. It didn't matter that he wasn't blood, there was no difference to him. Every time we spoke he said I'm praying for you and looking back, I realize just how special those words were coming from him. Not just as a pastor but like a dad. He was the closest thing I had to a father and the only grandfather my boys had. I am sad that since the divorce I have only gotten to see them a handful of times and didn't get the chance to tell him what he meant to me but am grateful he knows now what was in my heart.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 13 ~ Matt Grady

 My partner in crime. My confidant. My cheerleader. My best friend. There isn't a label that encompasses all that he is to me. This man has no obligation to be by my side, to see me through this fight. Nonetheless, he has been faithfully holding my hand, lifting me up and providing unwavering support. I don't think he understands all that he does for me. He brings me back to center when I feel like I can't handle any more. He let's me be me whether I'm laughing, crying, frustrated or downright silly. He brings out the best in me and reminds me how special and deserving I am. When he hugs me he is always the last to let go and I hope he never lets go. LT3
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 12 ~ Perfect Timing

 Last week Connor and I had an interview with The Big Brother/Big Sister Program for him to get a Big Brother. We got the call today that they already found a match for Connor and he gets to meet his Big Brother next week!!! How stinkin exciting!!! This could not have come at a better time. With his grandpa passing away and his strained relationship with his former step-dad, he is in desperate need of a good male role model. Not to discount Matt's influence at all. Connor's at an emotional stage where he needs someone just for him, someone that chose him first and isn't an extension of me. It will be so good for Connor to get time away from me and this disease and all that comes with it. He has been so strong and helpful that's it's about time he gets something so wonderful in return. What a blessing!
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 11 ~ Best excuses

When you're faced with your own mortality you have a few options about how to go on with this new found awareness. You can shrink away and feel helpless or it can empower you. For me it's made me a little braver to speak my mind. I figure what's the worst that's gonna happen? I already have cancer. So this weekend I had had enough of a particular parents bad attitude and minced no words in telling him so. It is worth noting this was 18 inches from his face and my knees were shaking either from adrenaline or the fact I threw up 15 minutes earlier. Some things just need to said and I'm blaming it on cancer. --------But you know what another awesome excuse is? Because of this silly illness, I get to see friends I don't always get to see. I've had a virtual parade of friends stop by. (Yes, mostly with food which I L-O-V-E). It is amazing to see their beautiful faces, hear their voices and feel the warmth of their hugs. It occurred to me that I have really funny and fun friends.....each have made me laugh and most have made me cry and surely ALL have made me feel loved and so not alone. You all are my angels on Earth and if I have to use cancer as an excuse to see you then it's well worth it!!!!
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 10 ~ Shitty Day!

Yeah, I said it. No sugar coating today. I'm not perfect and always strong. This is hard. I am physically drained and the medications are taking their toll. My day started at 5am with the first round of meds, 6:30 vomiting, out the door by 7:20 to take the boys to school, work by 8:00, 8:05 realize I forgot the anti-nausea med at home, try to work but am so exhausted mentally and physically I can't concentrate and get little done, take a late lunch at 2:00 to get boys from school, 2:10 they are both sobbing about their grandfather who died on Friday. It brought their feelings to a head about possibly losing me and obviously I did not have the heart to leave them and go back to work so we ended up crying together for the rest of the afternoon. We are spent, we're ALL spent. I think we needed time to get it all out. We stripped away all the layers and brave fronts we are putting up and felt the pain. The emotional toll is overwhelming. At this stage in my posts I usually start trying to find the positive spin on everything but today, just this one day, I'm just not going to. Today was shitty!
By the way, feel free to like this post (or any other daily post). It lets me know you're out there and taking the time to go on this journey with me. It makes me feel less alone.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 9 ~ Still Climbing Mountains

A few friends have asked why I sign every post with ~ still climbing mountains ~. They surmised it must refer to the up-hill battle, the enormity of this fight against cancer or that it's yet another obstacle in my path.

Still climbing mountains is about faith, hope, love and mostly perseverance. I found out 2 weeks before Christmas my cancer had returned but on New Year's Day I was hiking Bishop's Peak. I didn't do it fast but I did it. I got my boys up and down that mountain all by myself. I showed them that no matter how bad things get, if we focus, push ourselves, have faith and not give up we can still climb mountains. Each one of us wanted to give up at different times on the path up the mountain but we encouraged each other to push on. Strangers encouraged us, too. We made it to the top together. We looked out at the beautiful vistas, encircled in the beauty of our world and relished in the kinship of those that made it to the top as well. The amazing part was on the way down watching my boys encouraging the climbers ascending the mountain, a true sign of paying it forward. They were proud of themselves and proud of me. We had conquered something together, something that looked intimidating and felt impossible at times. But with faith, hope, love perseverance and a little blood, we made it through. So that's why I'm......
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 8 ~ Good vs. Evil

Every Saturday morning for the next few weeks I get to up my dose a little on one of the meds. So like every morning of this new life since starting treatment I got up at 5am to start taking my pills. I quickly figured out that if I get up early, take them and go back to bed for a little bit I am at least laying down for the wave of nausea, dizziness and heart palpitations that are inevitable. It also gives me time to think. Lately my thoughts have been drawn to the irony of putting something in my body more toxic and nasty to kill the cancer that is already toxic and nasty. Which is the good and which is evil? I was swimming along nicely 9 days ago pretty much symptom free but now, taking the meds to kill the cancer, I feel sicker than I ever have. Funny how things work.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 7 ~ Praying

 Praying for my ex-father-in-law who was hospitalized last Tuesday. He is very ill and had surgery today to replace a valve in his heart. He made it through surgery and is resting but has a long road ahead of him. Praying for him and my mother-in-law whom I love dearly and miss being a part of my life tremendously. They were my family and it's hard not being there to support them. Grateful that my ex is keeping me updated though. And I'm praying that my boys don't lose their grandfather. Life is hard enough for them right now.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 6 ~ Friends

So thankful for your love, support and encouragement. Without you, I would have nothing. Not one single family member of mine has called, texted or stopped by. Feeling appreciative and sad all at the same time. BUT I am choosing to look past what coulda, shoulda, woulda been and am focusing on all the POSITIVE love surrounding me. Thank you for being my family.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 5 ~ Not a pain killer kinda girl

It takes a lot, and I mean a lot, for me to take a pill for pain. Not because I'm some tough girl but because I think you have to save them for that knuckle whitening type pain or you run the risk of decreasing their effectiveness. Today, however, I'm on the verge of wanting to down a whole bottle. The pain in my legs is so bad I'm holding back tears sitting at my desk. I want to curl up in a ball. But alas, I'll get through today simply on my strength and stubbornness alone. Frankly more of the latter than the former. But on a positive note, can't wait to go home tonight to the delectable delights of Shreei. I can't begin to tell you how much not having to cook dinner for my kiddos takes tremendous stress off me. Knowing that my kids are still eating well makes my heart happy.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 4 ~ Wish me luck!

Heading to work today. Yes, work. Bills still need to get paid and this girl can't afford to use up all my PTO in one shot and I've got at least 3 months of treatment to go. I've been able to keep toast down so my energy level is up a bit. If the bone pain would just go away and they don't run the A/C all day I should do ok. 
 ~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 3 ~ Blessings Abound!

 I have the best friends in the world. All the messages of support and all the comments on my daily posts have been bright lights on this journey. An extra special thank you to Shreei Leo Santana for bringing over a literal feast for the boys and me. There is easily 5 days of food in that box and if I'm not mistaken, freshly baked bread to boot!!!! You are a true angel and I don't think I gave you enough hugs! 
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 2 ~ Giving today to Him

Yesterday morning I looked at my handful of pills and I prayed over them to help cure me of this stupid illness. I had faith that they would start the healing. Today I look at the same pills with trepidation but still the same faith. Faith has to get me through because what sane person would voluntarily swallow these things knowing that very shortly you're going to feel completely awful? My faith tells me to follow the path, to essentially swallow the pill. While it may be littered with toil and strife, the end is filled with joy and triumph. I have Faith.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 1 ~ Today is Rough

Day 1 has been tough, really tough. Me and the medications aren't exactly friends yet. They have made me extremely weak, nauseous, huge headache and I'm freezing. Also I have no appetite and food tastes weird but the worst has been a deep bone pain, the kind you want to crawl out of your body from. Grateful I made it Connor's basketball game and then was able to sleep through a bad spell. So thankful to have Matt by my side today. Today is rough.
~ still climbing mountains ~