~ Day 41 ~ Non-celebration

While the news yesterday was fantastic, it didn't change how I felt when I went to bed last night or woke up this morning. I am as happy as you all are for the tumors shrinking but I am left to feel the torture of this treatment. It's hard to be cheery when you feel so awful. I know it's the darkness and loneliness talking. But I go to sleep every night alone, alone with my thoughts and fears. Yes, I have God and your prayers but they're not hugs. They don't wipe the tears away, they don't hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. It's in the dark every night that the fear creeps in. I feel like it manifests into wicked muscle spasms as if it is truly the monster inside trying to get out. It's in these moments I long for that unconditional love and support that I'm missing so much. This disease breeds loneliness because no one can truly understand what you are going through. I try to explain it and there just aren't words to adequately express how it encompasses you. This is one of those days that I want to scream, kick, punch and let it all out. The storm is raging outside and I want to join it. I hope the rain washes my fears and my loneliness away and the clear skies will bring me a sense of peace. It's a dark day but I know I'll enjoy the sun soon.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 40 ~ HALLELUJAH!!!

Just got the call from my doc regarding my CT results.  My tumors are SHRINKING!!!!! Especially the one that is in the worst spot to have one.  And the ones in my lungs (which I didn't know I had!!) are GONE!!!  All of this hell I'm going through is working.  It wasn't all great news but who cares?!?  I kind of tuned him out after the words TUMORS SHRINKING!!!  Some stayed the same size (those may need to be biopsied) and it's a possibility that I can plateau on the meds and they lose their effectiveness.  I have a long road ahead but knowing I'm getting somewhere breathes new life into my sails.  Oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my goodness! :)
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 39 ~ Big Brother

About 6 weeks ago, we started the process of getting Connor paired with a Big Brother from the Big Brother/Big Sister Program. Within two short weeks, he met his "Big", Jay. They were instant buddies. They totally chatted it up at their first meeting and left with a plan to see each other a few days later. They have spent every Sunday afternoon together since. They've played disc golf, basketball, racquetball, miniature golf, go-karting and grabbed bites to eat. What a perfect match for Connor! He gets to do all those athletic things he loves to do with a guy and not just mom. He's looking forward to going hiking and fishing and other cool dude stuff.

All those activities are great but the real treat is seeing Connor's self-worth increasing. The kid has never had a problem with confidence but more of an internal feeling that he was UNchosen and abandoned by his dad. His Big chose him and is committed to spending one-on-one time with him, sharing mutual interests and exploring new adventures. The one thing Connor asked for was a man he could look up to, learn from and respect. Neither of us could have asked for a better role model for Connor. Jay is a veteran and continues to serve our country. For the kid who goes up to every person he sees in uniform, shakes their hand and says thank you (and buys them dinner!), Jay is his idol. He is laid-back and kind, committed and humble. Connor looks forward to seeing him every week. I look forward to watching their relationship grow and them forging a special bond. What a blessing along this journey!
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 38 ~ Cry Fest

I went to bed in tears last night. Woke up in tears this morning. And cried all damn day. Wouldn't have been so bad if the day wasn't spent at work. I looked like death warmed over and re-fried. I hurt so bad and was completely worn out by 9am. Emotionally I'm finding it harder and harder to keep positive. I have to will myself through each minute and hour of the day more so than ever before. I finally had to have the talk with HR today that this treatment is kicking my butt and I don't know what the coming weeks are going to be like. Hard to be ambiguous but I really have no way of predicting anything. Thankfully, they are super understanding and will be flexible so on that front I have one less worry.

I got smart a few weeks ago and bought the boys some new toys and games. I've been bringing them out sporadically and surprising them. It has proven to be a nice distraction from the day to day ups and downs. I think Bennett spent about 6 hours yesterday coloring with his Crayola Color Wonder stuff. I'll keep these drawings forever. Connor has been fortunate to get to spend 4 hours every Sunday for the last few weeks with his Big Brother Jay. That relationship is growing quiet beautifully.

There's no guarantee tomorrow will be better but at least I know each day prepares me a little more to get through the next.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 37 ~ Heavy Metal

Never been a fan and not starting now. That's all I can taste today and my mouth is killing me. I made the mistake of chewing a piece of gum and now I feel like I have a toothache in every tooth on the left side of my mouth. Every fiber of my body hurts and I'm exhausted beyond belief. But I was able to get a little sun today and pulled weeds for about 30 minutes (working in the yard is my happy place). I think taking the meds about 4pm will allow me to get through my work day and crash when I get home. I figured if I take them too close to bedtime the pain will keep me up. I'll figure all this out somehow.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 36 ~ First day of new treatment

I took my meds at 8 this morning and felt good for about 2 hours. I made breakfast for the boys and sat down on the sofa to watch cartoons with them. Not long after, a wave of fatigue swept over me like I had never felt before. I couldn't keep my eyes open. I ended up falling asleep on the couch for 2 1/2 hours. When I woke up every tooth in my mouth hurt and my legs were spasming. Everything tastes weird or has no taste at all and thankfully I'm only mildly nauseous. Not quite sure if this is better or worse that the last treatment but I'm sure only time will tell. I think I'll try taking them in the early evening tomorrow and see if I can just ride out the worst fatigue closer to bedtime. The boys are currently making a comfy place for us in the living room with every blanket and pillow in the house for us all to get cozy and watch a movie. I'm so happy and grateful they are cuddle bugs because we all enjoy this time together.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Days 28 - 35 ~ Vacation

No, I didn't have days off from work. There was no Margarita sipping on an exotic beach. But I did have an eight day rest from the medications. That alone was worth it's weight in tequila. I decided that it would also be a good time to take a break from the daily posts and the blog. I suppose I needed a break from reality. Feeling free of the grip that this monster has on me has been the mental rejuvenation I need to fight this next round of the battle.

When you have cancer, almost every decision is based on this fact. I worry about the meds, what food to eat, resting enough, not over-exerting myself, avoiding sick people as much as possible, watching my stress, tests, procedures, appointments and the effect on the boys (something I haven't been able to write about just yet). I took this week to focus on normalcy. We did a little shopping for Connor's Outdoor School trip coming up, ate out a couple times and visited with friends. I even found a couple vintage pieces to add to my ever expanding collection of things to redo when I'm back to normal. Matt and I enjoyed Valentine's Day, sleeping in Saturday morning and lounging all day watching movies. It has been a great week off in that regard.

Tomorrow begins the new treatment regimen. I'm apprehensive at best. The unknown is the scariest part of all this as I have no idea what my tomorrows look like anymore. I do know this one will be tougher than the last but I am strong enough to handle anything. When strength is the only option, you find out what you're made of.
~ still climbing mountains ~