~ Day 14 ~ A day of remembrance

Today was my former father-in-laws memorial service so needless to say, it was a hard day for all of us. His service was at the church he last served as pastor and where he and my mother-in-law still attended up until a few months ago. We had seen him preach there numerous times so it was hard to imagine him not being up there giving the message or blessing you at communion. This man accepted me into him family when I was pregnant and unmarried to his son. He welcomed me with open arms without judgement. But more extraordinary, he welcomed Connor as a grandson immediately. It didn't matter that he wasn't blood, there was no difference to him. Every time we spoke he said I'm praying for you and looking back, I realize just how special those words were coming from him. Not just as a pastor but like a dad. He was the closest thing I had to a father and the only grandfather my boys had. I am sad that since the divorce I have only gotten to see them a handful of times and didn't get the chance to tell him what he meant to me but am grateful he knows now what was in my heart.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 13 ~ Matt Grady

 My partner in crime. My confidant. My cheerleader. My best friend. There isn't a label that encompasses all that he is to me. This man has no obligation to be by my side, to see me through this fight. Nonetheless, he has been faithfully holding my hand, lifting me up and providing unwavering support. I don't think he understands all that he does for me. He brings me back to center when I feel like I can't handle any more. He let's me be me whether I'm laughing, crying, frustrated or downright silly. He brings out the best in me and reminds me how special and deserving I am. When he hugs me he is always the last to let go and I hope he never lets go. LT3
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 12 ~ Perfect Timing

 Last week Connor and I had an interview with The Big Brother/Big Sister Program for him to get a Big Brother. We got the call today that they already found a match for Connor and he gets to meet his Big Brother next week!!! How stinkin exciting!!! This could not have come at a better time. With his grandpa passing away and his strained relationship with his former step-dad, he is in desperate need of a good male role model. Not to discount Matt's influence at all. Connor's at an emotional stage where he needs someone just for him, someone that chose him first and isn't an extension of me. It will be so good for Connor to get time away from me and this disease and all that comes with it. He has been so strong and helpful that's it's about time he gets something so wonderful in return. What a blessing!
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 11 ~ Best excuses

When you're faced with your own mortality you have a few options about how to go on with this new found awareness. You can shrink away and feel helpless or it can empower you. For me it's made me a little braver to speak my mind. I figure what's the worst that's gonna happen? I already have cancer. So this weekend I had had enough of a particular parents bad attitude and minced no words in telling him so. It is worth noting this was 18 inches from his face and my knees were shaking either from adrenaline or the fact I threw up 15 minutes earlier. Some things just need to said and I'm blaming it on cancer. --------But you know what another awesome excuse is? Because of this silly illness, I get to see friends I don't always get to see. I've had a virtual parade of friends stop by. (Yes, mostly with food which I L-O-V-E). It is amazing to see their beautiful faces, hear their voices and feel the warmth of their hugs. It occurred to me that I have really funny and fun friends.....each have made me laugh and most have made me cry and surely ALL have made me feel loved and so not alone. You all are my angels on Earth and if I have to use cancer as an excuse to see you then it's well worth it!!!!
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 10 ~ Shitty Day!

Yeah, I said it. No sugar coating today. I'm not perfect and always strong. This is hard. I am physically drained and the medications are taking their toll. My day started at 5am with the first round of meds, 6:30 vomiting, out the door by 7:20 to take the boys to school, work by 8:00, 8:05 realize I forgot the anti-nausea med at home, try to work but am so exhausted mentally and physically I can't concentrate and get little done, take a late lunch at 2:00 to get boys from school, 2:10 they are both sobbing about their grandfather who died on Friday. It brought their feelings to a head about possibly losing me and obviously I did not have the heart to leave them and go back to work so we ended up crying together for the rest of the afternoon. We are spent, we're ALL spent. I think we needed time to get it all out. We stripped away all the layers and brave fronts we are putting up and felt the pain. The emotional toll is overwhelming. At this stage in my posts I usually start trying to find the positive spin on everything but today, just this one day, I'm just not going to. Today was shitty!
By the way, feel free to like this post (or any other daily post). It lets me know you're out there and taking the time to go on this journey with me. It makes me feel less alone.
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 9 ~ Still Climbing Mountains

A few friends have asked why I sign every post with ~ still climbing mountains ~. They surmised it must refer to the up-hill battle, the enormity of this fight against cancer or that it's yet another obstacle in my path.

Still climbing mountains is about faith, hope, love and mostly perseverance. I found out 2 weeks before Christmas my cancer had returned but on New Year's Day I was hiking Bishop's Peak. I didn't do it fast but I did it. I got my boys up and down that mountain all by myself. I showed them that no matter how bad things get, if we focus, push ourselves, have faith and not give up we can still climb mountains. Each one of us wanted to give up at different times on the path up the mountain but we encouraged each other to push on. Strangers encouraged us, too. We made it to the top together. We looked out at the beautiful vistas, encircled in the beauty of our world and relished in the kinship of those that made it to the top as well. The amazing part was on the way down watching my boys encouraging the climbers ascending the mountain, a true sign of paying it forward. They were proud of themselves and proud of me. We had conquered something together, something that looked intimidating and felt impossible at times. But with faith, hope, love perseverance and a little blood, we made it through. So that's why I'm......
~ still climbing mountains ~

~ Day 8 ~ Good vs. Evil

Every Saturday morning for the next few weeks I get to up my dose a little on one of the meds. So like every morning of this new life since starting treatment I got up at 5am to start taking my pills. I quickly figured out that if I get up early, take them and go back to bed for a little bit I am at least laying down for the wave of nausea, dizziness and heart palpitations that are inevitable. It also gives me time to think. Lately my thoughts have been drawn to the irony of putting something in my body more toxic and nasty to kill the cancer that is already toxic and nasty. Which is the good and which is evil? I was swimming along nicely 9 days ago pretty much symptom free but now, taking the meds to kill the cancer, I feel sicker than I ever have. Funny how things work.
~ still climbing mountains ~